Failure

One would think that I'd be used to failure by now. Yes, I'm that guy- quit my ski team, left Italy six months early, college dropout, failed aviation career- I have honed this down to a science. Somehow, turning around on a mountain seems to concentrate the feeling of failure. Lack of success can hurt. But is it actually failure? What is success? Coming back in one piece? Learning? Sharing memories? The process? The summit? The company?

I failed to reach the summit of Broken Top this summer with Katie. We didn't have the time to reach the northwest ridge to go for the main peak, so we decided to go for the south peak which is around 80 feet lower. However, it was technically a false summit as it doesn't have 400ft of prominence. So... we failed at the alternative to failing the main peak. Fantastic.

The question though is, was this failure, or was this success? I'd like to consider this a successful day. My climbing partner did not feel comfortable going further up the steep scramble, and I did not either. I didn't know the route, and didn't want to rope up not knowing what was ahead. I do not have a photo of the section that turned us.

We walked away feeling absolutely defeated, but also feeling we made the right choice at the time, and feeling we could always give it another try another day.

I can't help but shake the feeling of not wanting to fail on my next technical climb. They say the most successful people shrug off failure and try again, ignore naysayers and just try harder. I'd like to be that person, and perhaps that is what I need to learn most right now.

I do think it also fueled my determination to make the summit of Mount Thielsen the following weekend. I had a sense of drive during one pitch that felt almost foreign to me. Failure the previous weekend forced me to face that inner demon and focus. It made me shrug off that voice that said "Drew, you can't do it. You'll fail. What if you fall? You will be hurt or killed. You can't! You aren't strong enough! You aren't focused enough! You will screw up!" I instantly smothered that voice saying "You are strong, focused, and able. You can be safe, you will not fall if you take it one step and one hand hold at a time. Three points of solid contact, check hold, breath, step, check footing, breath, focus." I kept that pattern all the way up the pitch, then slowly worked my way up the path to the next pitch.

I did falter some at the next pitch. When I regained my confidence, when I again stopped doubting myself so much, I breezed up the final 90 foot pitch to the summit.

I think this was really rooted in failure. I wasn't compensating for not summiting Broken Top, but it did effect how I talked to myself. I shook that notion that I couldn't do it, and was amazed at the results.

Next time I might not shake the feeling, and it will be a good warning as to when to turn around. Turning around only helps you learn about yourself. Learning ones limits is key to this. Flirting with that line is sometimes okay, but backing off at the right time is what makes a smart, successful mountaineer.